To Dads of Kids Living Away

It’s Dad’s Day guys. I know you’re well aware. I know you’ve been dreading this day a bit as well. To be honest, I have too…and every year for the past four, that at least one of our children has been living away from home. I never expected it to hurt as much as it does.

Whether it’s the standing recognition at church, the bombardment of happy posts on Facebook or simply the thoughts and feelings in your soul, it’s a day you’d rather skip. You feel like you have to fake it for the other siblings or to meet the expectations of extended family. I’m not writing this to disagree with you. Today sucks.

I know you’re out there. Perhaps across the country from me, perhaps in the same neighborhood. For those reading this and you’re not a part of the “my kids can’t live at home” brotherhood, it’s really likely that you know someone who is, whether or not they’ll ever let you in on this part of their life.

Our children must live away from home because of their psychiatric and/or behavioral needs. It’s not normal, it’s not “acceptable” in our society and to some it indicates that we’ve done something wrong as fathers. We’re failures because our kids can’t be disciplined, can’t be fixed, can’t be loved or taught out of their challenges.

May I tell you something? That’s a lie straight from the pit of hell.

Three things I want to share with you in commiseration of this day. Note that I didn’t say to encourage you this day or to lift your spirits. I’m not going to pump you up with pious platitudes befitting of a Hallmark card. Its far better to sit together in the unspoken silence of compassion and understanding about a thing that is so incredibly difficult to grasp.

One. You get to feel your feelings.

Just as God crafted our children as his image bearers, in the Imago Dei, he crafted us the same way. With all of our attributes, for a divine purpose that we may or may not understand. That’s ok that we don’t.

But as ones created in His image, we realize that He created our whole range of human emotions. Those emotions serve distinct and useful purposes in our humanity. The use of them is not dictated by some social construct that says on this appointed day you must utilize some emotions and not others.

I write this from a raw perspective. I left church early today because the endless stream of “Happy Father’s Day” and sights of “perfect” – note the quotation marks – families getting their pictures taken was too simply too much. Feel the feelings that the Lord equipped you with and allow them to help you navigate hard days such as this one.

Two. You didn’t break your children.

Unless you inflicted abuse on your child, you didn’t cause them to be in a position to live away from home. It took me YEARS to understand this point, and honestly, I wrestle with the sincerity of that statement from time to time on days like this.

We know that trauma rewires the brain’s circuitry. We know that mental illness is caused by some form of chemical imbalances in the brain. We know that neither one of these scenarios is under our direct control as foster, adoptive or biological parents. So why then, do we feel the need to bear the guilt of their current situations.

We tell our youngest child that his brothers – yes two – live away from home to get help with their brain boo-boos. It’s a concept that his five-year old mind can understand, even if he doesn’t like it. There’s no need to complicate it. We must hold our painful parenting journey in tension with a peace producing understanding that our children live away from home for their safety and for ours. This truth doesn’t diminish you as their parent.

Three. You are a good father.

This is a big one. It’s going to take a bit to work through this statement.

Each of us arrived to this destination by a different path. What’s true in all scenarios is that we recognized a challenge our children have, we worked to address it and now, for however long, living apart is part of that process. We watched. We protected. We worked for healing and safety.

When kids go into a hospitalization following a crisis, one of the first question that parents ask us is whether social services is going to to come and take the rest of the kids. I respond with, “No, you acted, you saw something they needed and went for treatment. That’s what a good parent does. Trying to solve it alone and something going awry is where you need to be concerned.”

You are also a good parent by advocating for them at their facility. By participating in care planning meetings. By accepting their phone calls, or initiating them if allowed. By providing them clothes. By driving the session or participating in family therapy. By visiting. By protecting siblings from their choices and behaviors. By instituting barriers, when needed.

You’re also a good father by finding ways to honor your children. Is it their favorite fast food meal when you visit? Is it a praise or an “I love you on the phone?” We had to rearrange our attic space this past week. I found myself about to cry because one of my children’s treasured belongings was still in a ratty cardboard box from our move last year. His brother, who moved to residential care more recently had two nice containers. The disparity really hurt and I couldn’t fix the problem fast enough.

Today is just a date on the calendar. It’s one of many where we feel the whole weight of our fractured families not being together. Rest in these three truths about your fatherhood and know that midnight is coming, bringing us another day that maybe isn’t packed with so much expectation.

If you are a parent who has children hospitalized or living away from home due to a mental health or behavioral challenge, please, please do not walk this journey alone. SHHIP can help. Let us know so that we may come alongside and support you.